gaydar

This blogging thing seems to be cutting into my sleeping and watching TV time. OK, movie idea #1: Gaydar. It’s about a gay man, Eli Whistler, who lives in a conservative Midwestern city (St. Louis, Omaha, or something like that since they’re all the same…). Tired of the lack of an active gay scene in his city, he invents a device (Gaydar) that allows the holder to detect others who also have the device, allowing gay people to covertly meet at normally “hetero” Midwestern activities (i.e. rodeos, monster truck rallies, etc.). At first, things go great, his invention is well-received by the gay community and reinvigorates the social scene. But things take a turn for the over dramatic when the device falls into the wrong hands (as devices like those almost always do), and someone starts using it to systematically (as opposed to haphazardly) eliminate gay people. Now it’s up to Eli and his new, sassy boyfriend, Kyle*, to find the person responsible and put an end to their reign of terror -- instead of just telling people to stop using Gaydar, which would dramatically cut into Gaydar Inc.’s profits.

It’s got blockbuster written all over it. On a side note, the main character’s name is a reference to Eli Whitney, who invented the cotton gin in hopes that it would reduce the need for slave labor in the production of cotton, but instead, it lead to a boom in cotton production that directly led to an increase in the use of slaves (d’oh). Whitney is also credited with the invention of interchangeable parts, which, as everyone knows, eventually led to the creation of Mr. Potatohead and his drag pseudonym, the appropriately named, Mrs. Potatohead.

ah don't want your life

Just when I thought there was nothing McCain could do to win me over, I came upon this AP photo:
The photo on the right is of course the Republican VP nominee, Sara Palin. The one on the left is Mrs. Davis, the sex ed teacher/stripper from the classic movie Varsity Blues. Incredible! I like the comparison because it appeals to my sense of irony since if she were really a sex ed teacher, then maybe she wouldn't have to answer questions about pregnant 17 year olds. Now even though her beliefs are pretty much in total opposition to mine, my internal presidential poll as moved up 4% for McCain, bringing his total to an impressive 8%.

sunday: football and God

First things first: Cal 66 Washington State 3. Wow, I can't even win that big when I play the video game and cheat, which is redundant since you have to cheat in that game if only to counter the computer's cheating.

On that note, I've added to the list of things I need to do before I die: attend a (Cal) game at every stadium in the Pac-10. Here's my progress so far:

Arizona -- Done. Cal loses, costing us a Rose Bowl birth. (I'll be back this year)
ASU -- Done. Cal loses in the middle of their slide in 2007, where we lost 6 out of 7 games.
Cal -- Done. My senior year, we went 1-10.
Stanford -- Ashamed to say I have yet to go to a Big Game on the farm.
Oregon -- Next year
OSU -- After I figure out where Corvallis is...
UCLA -- Done. Lost in OT in 100 degree heat.
USC -- Maybe this year, anyone wanna go?
Washington -- Eventually
WSU -- Sure, I'll travel hundreds of miles to the middle of nowhere to watch the worst team in the league play.

For those of you who will be willing to pay me to stop going to games, I cannot be bought (unless it's a lot of money or at least a 6 piece chicken nuggets).

Now to change the subject to something much less enjoyable. Instead of using my time more wisely pursuing such endeavors as playing video games and watching pornography, I've been doing a lot of reading. I'm currently reading "The Year of Living Biblically," in which the author tries to live a year of his life as close to a literal interpretation of the bible as possible. It's a good book and has a lot of random trivia. The bible's a random book, even if you ignore all the stuff that contradicts the other stuff. I have a new favorite section Deuteronomy 25:11-12:

If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.

That shit it crazy! So all you married guys watch out. If we're throwing down and your wife steps up and starts grabbing at my privates, I have no choice but to lop off her hand with no pity. No pity! I'll have to finish up my business with you, which probably won't take long since if your wife needs to step in, you're probably Washington State to my Cal. Then, I'd have to gently remove your wife's hand from my genitals and then proceed to remove it from her arm. Sorry, but that's what the bible wants me to do.

Also in the book, it talks about groups of very orthodox Jews and Christians who are working to breed a perfectly red heifer. According to the Old Testament, a red heifer without a single non-red hair needs to be sacrificed at the Temple of Jerusalem, and its ashes can then be used is some sort of purification ritual. After this ritual is finished, it will clear the way for the arrival of the Jewish Messiah. The Christians are interested because if this messiah comes, he'll obviously be the Antichrist since they already got a messiah, who'll return to Earth to fight the Antichrist, who, needless to say, will be a heavy underdog. And that's not even the crazy part!

So if these dudes do get this perfectly red cow, they'll need to rebuild the Temple of Jerusalem, which would be all well and good if the temple did not have be build at the current location of the Dome of the Rock. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's the cool-looking golden dome structure behind that handsome gentleman in the picture below. It's also the supposed location of Muhammad's ascension to heaven and the third holiest site in all of Islam. Last I checked neither of these groups are real keen on sharing. Looks like the world's going to end one way or another; I really need to get going on this stadium thing...

best craigslist ad ever

A while back, I was doing my normal Craiglist search for...stuff...when I happened upon this ad:Link

Now, I know what you're thinking: the only thing you can do after seeing something like that is run to the phone and demand to have it -- no questions asked. The problem was I started thinking. In my mind, this is how the phone call would have gone:

me: hello, is willow there?
willow: speaking.
me: i'm calling about your vagina.
willow: is this dr. stanton's office about my test results?
(pause)
me: no, i'm calling about the couch.
(pause)
willow: oh, that...i still have it. do you want to buy it?
me: i'll give you $100 for it.
willow: i'm really looking for $600. i think that's how much it's worth.
me: what do you mean that's how much it's worth?
willow: i mean it's worth $600.
me: are you out of your mind? were did you get that number from? is there a fucking market for vagina couches out there that i don't know about where prices are set? is there a supply and demand curve for this sort of thing?
willow: you're being rude. i don't want you to have the couch.
me: well shit. guess what? this IS dr. stanton's office and you have gonorrhea and your couch has termites!
(click)

As you can see, that's the last thing I want to happen since it would kinda make me seem like I was insane. It's probably for the best seeing as how there's a 100% chance that I will come home drunk one night and pass out on said couch only to wake up the next day scared out of my fucking mind. I do like that it comes with that cool pillow on top...